Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
