i think my tv is drunk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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