Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My feet surprised me
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