Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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