I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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