dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize