So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
