if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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