Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
