there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
