he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
