my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
