there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
