I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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