Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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