Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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