There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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