you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
