Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
