I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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