3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
