i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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