I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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