I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize