Screwed.edu
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
