Those balls look pretty dangerous.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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