You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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