Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
