My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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