I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
