I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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