You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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