Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize