alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
