Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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