shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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