if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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