the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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