I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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