I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
