Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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