I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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