I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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