Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
