I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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