the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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