They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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