So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
