I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
