it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
