I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
