I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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