dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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