I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
